Well, here we are again. It’s been just about five months since my last entry. Many of the people who I’ve been in contact with already know a fair bit about what has happened over this amount of time, so I haven’t really felt a huge imperative to write up here. I’m at a particular point in my life, however, that I feel could be talked about within what I consider my more public sphere (not counting my Twitter things, of course). So, as best as I am able, it’s down to business.
Back in December when I wrote last, I was in the process of coming out of a rather difficult time. The past four or so years have seen a lot of difficult times due to an unfortunately toxic relationship and its effects on myself and those around me. On top of that, I’ve been having to come to terms with many things from my past, not the least of which includes the effects of long-term emotional turmoil that has continued since early childhood due to a dysfunctional family situation. That whole big ball of stuff has been quite the tangle to work through. Indeed, I still have a long way to go as far as complete healing is concerned. But for once in my life, I’m actually much happier with where I am in the present moment. For me, that’s a huge milestone.
It all started in August of last year with my choice to end the relationship I was in. And before anyone asks, I am not going to go into all the nitty-gritty details here. Like so many people have no doubt felt during a situation like that, I thought my entire world was ending. I had given everything and more to someone who only wanted certain aspects of me for his own fixations. Worse, I had known this person was more than likely a problem child early on and chose to ignore all the red flags anyway. In an honest attempt to be non-judgmental, caring, kind, and allow my partner the freedom I felt he deserved, I ended up sacrificing my own desires and requirements (physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional) in the process of making sure he was happy. Yet, it had still not been enough, and he ended up unhappy with me anyway.
I was completely overwhelmed for the first little while by this and other similar thought processes. I was constantly bombarded with guilt that I hadn’t been strong enough, flexible enough, attentive enough, brave enough. I couldn’t close the physical distance in time. I couldn’t keep up with his interests. I wasn’t sexually open as I should have been. I wasn’t resourceful enough to get a job. I was too picky. I was too needy. I was too dramatic. I was too analytical. I was too logical. I was too emotional…
It was during this time that I truly started to understand and learn not to be afraid of what it was like to have a support system. I had no more room to bury what I was feeling in order to get up off of my knees and continue forward through life. While I was not suicidal, I was fully aware that for the first time in my life, I was on the edge of a complete emotional shutdown. I would have put everything I had been working on over the past thirty-some years of my life and curled up into myself until I felt I could face the world again. There were two people in particular who stayed with me through this phase. Even when I unconsciously tried to push them away and isolate. Some part of me saw this, and some tiny little voice kept urging me to get up, to not give into the undertow, to keep moving toward that end destination I’d been moving toward for so long.
With their help, I was able to make my way into a much better place where the guilt wasn’t so strong. Since then, I am admittedly still working through a lot of things, not the least of which is finding what is underneath the anger that seems to flare up out of nowhere, but I am finally okay with that. Since the light started making its way into my dark little corner of who knows where, I’ve reconnected with old friends and have made new ones. I have begun to mend relationship with family. I have gained a wonderful partner in the process who, like every soul on this planet, has his share of things to work through, but the toxicity is completely absent. Most importantly, I have begun to rediscover my true self. All the components (both negative and positive) that make up the unique person I have become today. And even though I still struggle with unnecessary guilt where it comes to the type of person I am (or even the type of person I am not), I am far more often content with who I am today. Yes, I will always desire to continue to become a better person, but I am including myself in the list of reasons why I choose to continue to progress. Just because I’d like to, because it feels right. And it’s okay… I’m okay. And guess what? You are too. Remember that.
Before I close, I’d like to offer one last highlight. On March 1, 2021, I officially started my first job. I was removed from Training status my third week and have been working steadily since then on my own, having just finished up twelve weeks in total. I am an independent contractor, which also means that I can freelance if I’d like to. In fact, I’ve actually done so for the past little bit. My primary work comes in from the company I am contracted with, and I transcribe and prepare captions for videos done by educational facilities and businesses, as well as any interested individuals who require such services. On the side, I also provide proofreading and editing services, as well as transcriptions for those who require spoken content converted to written text. I will eventually write a post (or even make a dedicated page) highlighting these services and their prices. For now, though, anyone interested can always get in contact, either through the contact page on this website or through my Twitter account, @Ladyelysium21.
As always, my sincerest thanks to my closest friends and loved ones for sticking things through with me. Your impact has been monumental, and I would not be the person I am today without you. To everyone else who happens to be reading this, please take care of yourself. You are worth it.
Leave a Reply