Mood: Better than I was for most of the day… Does that count?
Song of the day:
First, I’d like to just say that this song hit me right out of the blue, as many of the stuff I find does. I’ll often add something to my liked songs on complete instinct as I browse Spotify’s curated playlists, only to forget about it not very long after. When I put my liked songs on shuffle at some other point in time, I get all kinds of great things coming in at me, many of which invoke or are reminders of emotions and messages at just the right moment.
The above piece invokes an atmosphere of simple, quiet recognition of the fact that the future is actually not as bad as it seems. I’ve been in struggling lately with energy levels and motivation, and I decided to put some music on while I was working. As soon as it came on, I suddenly felt okay. Not euphoric or anything… just okay, like somebody had come up to me and said, “You know what? You’re doing just fine. Keep on doing what you’re doing. Now let’s go take a walk somewhere.”
Unrelatedly, I spent a ridiculous amount of time yesterday getting a few things set up properly. I broke things spectacularly while trying to change my WordPress username to something I was more satisfied with, so much of the time (won’t say how much) was spent fretting over the fact I couldn’t log into my account. I did eventually get it fixed though; without having to revert everything back to normal even, which I was very happy about. I really didn’t want to have to contact my hosting provider and have him see just how incompetent I am with the administrative side of things.
Anyway, once that particular hullabaloo (isn’t that a great word?) was over, I looked into a way to get these posts automatically sent to Mastodon, my social media platform of choice since Twitter decided it was going to fall apart. Speaking of which, I’ll have to go into previous writings and update that, as I have unashamedly broken up with Twitter, even after a ten-year history with them. In addition, I created an About page, which you can easily find from the Project’s main page. I’m looking to find a way to redirect the author archive link there because the author archive just doesn’t make the grade, what with me being a single author and everything. That way, people can click on my name and go straight to the interesting stuff. Until then, it’s relatively easy to find, if I’m not mistaken.
In other news, I’ve been experimenting a little in regards to cooking. My roommate (we’ll call her M) has been out of town for the past few weeks and won’t be back until sometime in May, so I’ve had a lot of time to completely relax and get to know the house. I’ve only been here a little over a month, but the time it has taken to acclimate has been a lot better than for the last place, as I don’t have to worry about other people being in the kitchen (or anywhere else they can see me) while I’m figuring things out and/or taking shortcuts to get things done. Not like taking shortcuts is abnormal or considered a bad thing. I just have a lot of anxiety around being judged while doing certain things, particularly making and eating food. This is one of those things that unfortunately has stemmed from having lived in a toxic living environment for almost twenty years. I will say, however, that M has been an absolute gem for the time I’ve known her. We met last summer in June, and she has been an advocate and really great friend since then. Were it not for her and my previous roommate, H, I would have had to go back to the environment I’d left only five months before. This would have resulted in the loss of all of the progress I’d made, particularly where it comes to the emotional side.
Did you guys know that canned chicken is actually decent? Seriously, don’t judge. I got a twelve-ounce can a couple of weeks ago just to try it, and it really is quite good, especially considering that it’s canned meat. Just yesterday, I made rice and added a can of condensed cream of chicken soup along with the canned chicken. It was one of the most hearty meals I’ve had at this house, if not the heartiest. I was also given an electric kettle that I have been finding all kinds of excuses to use. It sounds awesome when boiling water in it, okay? Hey, I said don’t judge!
In all seriousness though, the kettle is great for making tea, absolutely, but also hot chocolate. You can also use it for other foods like ramen, which I wasn’t aware of until recently. I made hot cereal a couple of mornings ago, which was fun, as well as delicious. I haven’t tried making ramen yet, but that will be my next experiment.
You know, I’ve come to the very definite realization and conclusion that even though the things I’m learning how to do and/or cope with are things that many people have learned at a far younger age, I’m not stupid for having learned them later in life. My circumstances being what they were, it was really difficult to branch out and explore. My parents were particularly unforgiving where it came to things they disapproved of or disagreed with, and even though they said all the right words to indicate otherwise, it was always obvious that they thought I was an idiot for making the decisions I made. The long of the short of it is that I just quit trying to branch out much because I felt that they had absolutely no trust in my capabilities (the capabilities they taught me, by the way). I felt like there were eyes on me all the time, and being questioned about everything I was attempting got really old, and that’s putting it politely.
Previous and present difficulties aside, things really are looking up here. There are forty-one days let until I see my partner, and I’ll be getting the last o the things together to complete my music composition setup around that time as well. These two things in particular have been helping me to keep my head above water and continue pushing forward in spite of low energy levels. I have a wonderful roommate, a great set of friends in both the online an offline scenes, a gem of a partner, and the determination not to just let myself waste away. I’d say that makes for a worthy pick-me-up. What do you think?
This said, I’m going to close for now and turn on a show. I’m a bit of a true crime enthusiast, and the show I’m watching on Discovery Plus is difficult to step away from for very long. Plus, I think there’s more hot chocolate calling my name.
A light in the darkness,
Kira Aeva
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